There is a pile of beans on my kitchen floor.
Canned ones, thank God.
They’ve been there for nearly 3 months. A work friend got them for my birthday as a gag gift to make fun of the time I gave him a ride in my car the morning after I had bought about 20 cans. The floor of my passenger seat was covered in canned beans. “Bro, this is not normal! You don’t just eat 20 cans of beans! Are you ok man?”
I guess he was right, I’m not really ok. Otherwise, I would have put those beans in my pantry already and he would have never seen them. Or I would have put these beans away back in November.
I’m a lazy person. My dad told me it all the time when I was little. “You just don’t have any initiative, son. If you want to make anything of yourself, you need initiative. You have to do things without being told.”
Some AI grammar bot thinks I should remove the “have to” from that sentence and replace it with must. Stated reason: conciseness. Suck my cock, robot. I’m sure they’ll have robots for that too soon enough, God forgive us all.
Back to my floor. Next to it, on this upraised part of my kitchen counter (I think it’s supposed to be a bar?) is a pile of Hershey’s Kisses. I can’t eat Hershey’s or any chocolate really. Milk allergy. I bought a big bag of them for Halloween. Also one of those big bags of mixed candies. For the kids. Didn’t realize kids don’t come to the single offices’ housing. Nobody showed. Watched anime (Another, very spooky) next to my open window expectantly waiting, until I realized around 9 that nobody had come yet. I was able to put most of the candy in a bowl and take it over to another work friend’s house. Left it outside his door on a stump for people to take what they wanted. Was too nervous/anxious/autistic about social etiquette to talk to him or give out candy in front of a stranger’s house on my own (I hate being bothered and kinda gut assume everyone feels the same). I prob should have got rid of them by now but like the beans, they sit there.
I feel just weak. Maladjusted. Like I should and could be more (“Son you have so much potential”) but just… don’t feel like being it right now. Is that just modern society getting to me? I get 3 square meals every day. I have limitless stimulation of every kind a couple clicks away. Intellectual, Spiritual, Curiosity. Whatever. Why struggle for anything when it’s all so fucking easy? Those the gods wish to destroy; they first make rich af.
I joined the Army for tons of reasons. No direction in uni (“study what you enjoy son” Little did he know, they don’t have degrees in video games and… um… being arrogantly aloof and smarter-than-thou, I guess?). Wanting to join the ROTC (Looked like Boy Scouts but for big boys). But one really important reason was that it looked challenging. Like I could finally find something to throw myself into. Go all in. Use 100% of my brain. Get sick gains and use them for King and country. Immolate myself in a Great Cause. But that’s a load of bullshit. I’m sitting out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere doing sweet fuck all except for when they have me go sit in the middle of nowhere and pretend to get shot. I’m a living training dummy. My buddy stationed in SC says it’s basically like that for him too. Fuck, man. I wonder if it’s like that in civvie land too? Maybe I should go be a firefighter. I bet they feel good after they clock out.
At least he has his wife and his great social skills. I’m just here. No good with women. Apparently arrogantly aloof only works when you’re also actually living to your potential. Or near it, at least. At least I can somehow pull work friends. I guess between arrogant aloofness, I can pull off affable and kind, now and then. Maybe I do have social skills after all?
Anyway, it’s getting late, and even if I’m not going to clean my house, I can at least finish my laundry before I go to bed for another exhilarating 5 am wakeup of work. Plus, my cigarette ran out. Goodnight.
Pile of Beans
Don't stop writing- I'm hooked